I really didn’t want the first rant of the new site to be about depression. But I can’t help it.
And, just to be clear, I’m not depressed. Not in the least. When I got home from work earlier today I was having that sinking suspicion that I was about to become woefully depressed. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Nothing sounded like very much fun. I have a couple of movies to watch, but I knew I didn’t have the attention span to actually sit thought any of them. I went to make myself some dinner, realized that I’d forgotten to buy the tofu I was going use in my stir-fry, freaked out, and thought, I’m not even that hungry. So I started doing the dished since nothing else sounded like a good idea. Short attention span. Inability to make any decisions. Lack of appetite. All the ear marks of depression for me.
Then my friend called and we went out for pizza and beer. I wasn’t feel altogether right in the head mind you (and there was a scary moment of sitting at the bar of Lane Splitters in Berkeley while she was in the bathroom and I thought to myself, “This is my life?” and it seemed totally foreign to me). But in the end, home now and getting ready for bed, I’m feeling normal again. I’m feeling better. Maybe it’s just being in my apartment. God I love my apartment. But I digress.
The point, scott. God damn it, get to the point. The point, without bothering with a new paragraph, is that the impending depression was a false alarm. And here I am, at home again, with my dog, listening to Modest Mouse, thinking that things are, as always, all right.
The point is that this is a new incantation of the buddhaworld schtick, a whole new site, a whole new year, filled with possibility. The point is that I’m feeling ready to take it all on again. Portland was amazing. And being back I feel focused again. Ready to recommit to all these things in my life that make my life worth living.
Not that I’m not painfully aware of the work to be done. The work to be done not only close to home with school and my personal relationships and my job and my spiritual path and all that bull shit. And not only the work to be done in the larger sense of the word with the inauguration coming up and the all those issues that are even more pressing that we’re stuck with four more years. I am, as always, looking Reality squarely in the eyes. But Reality is never anything more than what we make it out to be. And if all we do is focus on all the Issues, all the Things to Do, all the Crap that Sucks about the world, then Reality becomes nothing but all the Crap that Sucks about the World.
And not everything is terrible.
There are some pretty cool things going on. And I’m going to soak it all in this year if it kills me.