god damn, i don’t want to be here.

It’s 8:30 in the morning and I’m sitting in the foray to the main stacks at the Cal library. I have class in an hour and I don’t think I’m going to go. We’re supposed to be talking about two pieces that I didn’t read. I didn’t read them, in part, because I’ve been busy with other things, and in another part because when I started to read them, I found myself not caring one way or the other about the subject matter: inter-religious dialogue with that old refrain of “who’s God are we talking about?” I’m tired of that conversation. I remember when I took my first course on inter-religious dialogue when I first started my graduate program and everyone started arguing about using the word God in conversations about multiple religions. And all the “progressive” liberal hippies were up in arms to make sure that folks like me, “Buddhists who don’t believe in God,” weren’t offended by all this God talk. And I simply said, “You wanna worry about that, feel free. But I’m not too concerned about whether or not you talk about God. Argue away. I’ll be over here, not worrying about it.”

See, the thing is, in Buddhism, this question of God isn’t even a question. We’re having a completely different conversation. So to the extent that I was asked to read all this crap about God and debates between Christians and Hindus about what God is, blah blah blah — it’s got nothing to do with me. It’s got nothing to do with how I approach religion. Or God for that matter, whether or not one exists.

So this might, in and of itself be a reason to go to class. *sigh* But really, I’m in no mood to be with people.

People are irritating me today for no good reason. There’s a woman sitting at this table erasing something on her paper, and the sound of the eraser and sweeping away of eraser dust is really starting to piss me off. I want to listen to the Dead Kennedys and ride my skateboard and get a new tattoo and sit in a coffee shop and write tirades about how I don’t give two shits about this inter-religious dialogue and given all that, how can I sit in class for three hours. I’ll either sit there and say nothing or sit there and say something terrible.

And I think I’m getting sick.

I’m so tired. It’s damn near impossible for me to keep my mind on any one thing right now. I think the only reason I’ve been able to keep my mind on this rant is because it’s keeping me from going stir crazy waiting for the library to open. Where did this come from? Where did this mood come from? I can only guess that’s it the by-product of working entirely too hard these past few weeks. Sure I’ve had some down-time on the evenings and weekends. But this down-time is always far outweighed by work and research and writing and web code and chores and God only knows what else I’ve committed to lately. Maybe I should have stuck to my plans to go out of town this weekend after all. Maybe I just need a vacation.

Maybe what I really need is a good roll in the hay.

There is a bit of that going on in the back of my head. It’s my mom’s fault, really. A month or two ago she asked me how I was doing a year since my last girlfriend left me. And I said I was doin’ fine. Great. Then she asked me if I was lonely, and I said no, but as soon as I said no I realized that I was lonely. Or, at least, I wasn’t lonely till she asked. Mothers. They do it every time. But like I’ve got the time and energy to worry about all that, to worry about getting a girlfriend or even a roll in the hay.

Maybe all I really needed to do was get all this off my chest. Sometimes, livin’ ain’t easy.

Keep on keepin’ on, scott. It’ll be all right in the end.

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