Everything you’ve just read is a lie. For the past six months, I’ve been in the Czech Republic fighting crime. I had infiltrated an international ring of cat smugglers who were making them wear funny hats and perform in on-line sketch comedy. It wasn’t long before a double agent double crossed me and the jig was up. They locked me away deep in their headquarters where they tried to get information out of me by any means necessary. But I wouldn’t budge. Occupying myself by thinking of random quotes from the Simpsons, I dreamed of breaking free. Until, at long last, I fashioned a handgun out of a bar of soap and fooled the guards into letting me go. The preceding rants you’ve been reading were all written as a way to fool the people back home into believing that I am a mild mannered grad student/web designer when, in point of fact, I am an international man of mystery.
Carry on. Nothing to see here.