I feel the need to clarify a couple of things that I’ve written as of late.
“I feel like crying.” I feel like crying not only in the “I’m depressed and despondent” sort of way. But also in the “there’s so much beauty in the world I think my heart’s going to burst” sort of way. Which is a great way to feel if I do say so myself. (And I do.) I mean, think about the week we’re all having. I can think of a dozen of my own tragedies and the tragedies of some close friends and family. But at least my house isn’t under twenty feet of water. And, on the other hand, there’s so much good, so much beauty, so much hope in the world right now. So much potential. And I feel more connected to all the good and all the bad that’s out there this week that it’s making my heart ache.
“That feeling that this isn’t really my life.” What’s that feeling? I’ve been having it since I got back from camp. It’s per usual, really. Camp is incredibly disorienting and I feel this way every time I come back. It’s a special sort of jet lag, I’m sure. But this time ’round… it’s not letting up. I’ve been back more than a week now and I still find myself looking around like I’m only visiting. Like I haven’t unpacked my suitcase. Like I’m staying somewhere that isn’t Home. And I’d like to pass that off as, “well I am leaving for another trip pretty soon,” but it doesn’t change the fact that this is Home. This is where I live. There’s Kai across the room (neurotically cleaning his feet). That’s my stereo playing Modest Mouse. The neighbors are still across the way. I’m going to the same office I was three weeks ago. So it’s all the same but some how different.
But, of course, these two feelings are no unrelated. I’m feeling out of sorts, like this isn’t my life, exactly because I’m feeling so much more connected to all the good and all the bad in the world. And you might think that this disorienting, hyper-sensitive, out of sorts feeling would be unnerving or distracting or the cause of a great deal of stress. But, stranger than everything else, I have felt incredibly calm all week. Even when things should be stressing me out and pissing me off, I’ve been a paragon of equanimity. Taking everything in just as it is.
And in there somewhere is the clarity. The clarity in the title of this post. I’ve been feeling calm and clear about my life. About where I am in this out of sorts place. I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense. It sounds contradictory. How can I feel so calm about my out-of-sort-ness? But I do. I am.
Perhaps it is nothing more than simply taking the world in as is. Without over-analyzing. Without judging (or at least not being to attached to those things that either good or bad). Without worrying about the next step but simply taking it.
I feel ready. So here I go.