Do you ever feel this way? I have been lately. I think, I have a strong sense, that a lot of my weird feeling as of late have very much to do with all the time I’ve spent out of my house lately. And all of the time I’ve spent in my house asleep. Since the beginning of August I’ve been away more days that I’ve been here. My house, while always a comfortable refuge for me, right now feels like some place I’m crashing for a couple of days before I’m off again. Which is true, in a way. Day after tomorrow I’ll be on a plane to Florida. (Pray for no rain for me, will ya?) So stripped of my usual routines, I feel all off kilter. So I wonder if I’d be feeling this weird lately if I wasn’t going off all around the world so much.
On the other hand, over the last few days I have the same unsolicited conversation with more than one person. It’s that conversation about how it is that someone who, from the outside, seems to have so much going right for him still manages to be living alone. If I wasn’t unfit for human consumption, wouldn’t I have found that relationship that works by now? (And to be clear, I’m not just referring to myself here. Some other thirty-year-old single folks have been feeling the same way, the same sense of, “Damn, what am I doing with my life?”)
I think that ordinarily I wouldn’t care. Ordinarily I’d pass this feeling off as, “Well, beats the alternative. Rather live alone and fight off insomnia on my own than live in a dysfunctional relationship. I’ve had that relationship. It sucked.” But when I’m feeling so off-kilter as is, it’s harder to fight off that sense that something is legitimately wrong with me.
Which probably isn’t true. I slept lousy last night and kept dreaming weird dreams and woke up, wide awake, at three in the morning. When I finally fell asleep, an hour or so before the alarm went off, I was dreaming about some kid who was in love with me. She was a subconscious amalgam of a half dozen people in my life, changing from one to the next like a chameleon. In the end, my dog woke me up, and it took me a while to sort out the dream from the waking world.
So I’m tired. And probably nothing more.
I think I’ll go to bed early tonight. Tomorrow’s another day.